Following your child or shaping them in your own image?

One of the most amazing things about having children is you can start to see how their personality might evolve from when they are tiny. Can you see enduring traits from an early age? A child's environment shapes them, but what are you starting with? The complexity of nature-nurture isn't something I'm going to explore today and I'm sure there are loads of studies that explain this all much better than I can. I reckon every parent looks at their baby and wonders what they will be like when they are older. And of course it is all too easy to look back from where your child is now and remember what fits from memories of when they were a baby, disregarding the ones that don't fit your child as they are now. Children are constantly developing and being influenced and shaped by their everyday interactions with their family, friends, school and the wider community.

 But there are classic studies from the 70s that indicate that whilst it might not be a child's personality, their temperament can be fairly easily classified even when tiny.I found this on Youtube- the original researchers, Chess and Thomas talking about the different aspects of temperament and how each child responds-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXwCqzh9B8&feature=related

Each child is a unique combination of these attributes, none are necessarily better or worse to have but I think the most crucial part is the last comment on the clip- the importance of the 'goodness of fit' between parent/teacher and child. For example, if you have a child who is very sensitive to stimuli, has irregular patterns of sleep/eating, is highly reactive and seems to have a rather grumpy demeanor, a parent could find them more of a challenge to nurture. If that child doesn't feel understood, listened to, or if the parent tries react in a way that makes things worse you can see how that child could develop more difficulties. If on the other hand the parent realizes that their child is sensitive and highly reactive, they may adapt that child's environment to help life be calmer, respond in a calming way and help the child feel they can manage their strong feelings, in a way that is constructive. This child may then grow up with a keen sense of curiosity, energy and zest for life.

Knowing about temperament, along with the idea of  'goodness of fit'  I couldn't help noticing things about my own child and the truly interactive nature of our mutual responses when he was tiny. As a baby he was a real mixture. It was easy to have a routine with sleeping, eating etc.; he was easy to calm and soothe, but also very sensitive to loud noises, he always sneezed in the sunshine. He could react very strongly to certain events or people. He would happily entertain himself and examine objects with great curiosity, trying to work out how they functioned and he would play contentedly for ages.

What I didn't notice then but do now is how easily distracted he can be - usually by his own thoughts! He will go off into his own world thinking about something and often appears not to be listening - though often he is - I guess that's the sort of thing you can't see in a baby so easily! But some of the other stuff has remained. He still doesn't really like loud noises, but has learnt how to cope with them so doesn't react quite so dramatically;  I have learnt something about myself along the way- I needed to get better at not over-reacting too!! He is still very regular with routines. I can tell the time by his hunger and he asks to go to bed if it's past his usual bedtime. He still gets absorbed by things for ages, be it a book, imaginary game or a film.  Maybe he and I have similar temperamental styles (being quick to get emotional) and I have to work harder to keep calm so I can help him cope rather than making it all worse. I am the sort of person who gets really irritable if I don't eat regularly or miss out on sleep too!! That's another huge topic - seeing aspects of yourself in your child without over-doing it.

I strive to see my child as a beautiful, unique person and nurturing him to be the best version of himself that he can be, rather than what I think he should be or as a version of me, my husband or another family member - I hate that phrase 'he's so like you'.

Next time - the importance of being playful and have fun along the way!

Routines should be routine

I am a huge fan of routines to help children learn good habits. A bedtime routine is one of the best, most effective ways of helping your child to get a good night's sleep. It may seem really weird to start early, but at around 2 months babies can be introduced to a calming, winding down bedtime routine. You can change the elements of the routine as they grow but keeping the main idea and sequence of events- going upstairs, having a bath, getting into nightclothes and then sharing a close, relaxing activity with your child. When my son was a baby, hubby and I learnt baby massage, it was a lovely way to feel close to him and he loved it. We had the same song every night so that it 'cued' sleep. He loves bedtime even now- stories, him reading to us, a chat and cuddle have replaced the massage and song.
But routines are good for loads of other things too- getting dressed, mealtimes, homework- the key is the sequence rather than the exact timing, content, and location.
And on the subject of sleep a new study suggests it's good for children's school readiness too (an Australian study- see http://bit.ly/Ap38Dc) Not surprisingly children concentrate better when they've had enough sleep.
Seeing the rapid decline in my son's behaviour when he's not had enough sleep (and it only has to be a couple of later nights to do it) is astounding- he turns into a screaming, intolerant irritable mess- and I wonder if lots of so-called behavioural problems are down to not enough sleep. In my clinical practice I routinely ask about sleep and tackle that first if it's an issue.
Sleep well!

Sometimes the theory works!

So how do I stop the psychology intruding into my parenting? Does it matter if it does? Two examples-when my child was a baby I was driven half crazy with sleep deprivation- not that he was a tricky baby, he just woke up for feeds and went back to sleep, but I don't do well on reduced sleep. So I realised in my daze (and it really was a daze, once I couldn't even think of the word 'box') that I could use my professional knowledge to sort this out. I did use a fab book to help me written by a couple of health visitors which fitted the research rather than being supernanny-driven. Now the name totally escapes me and I lent it to another friend.Self soothing and understanding your child's sleep cycles were the key as well as enlisting the support of my also weary husband. Within three nights we were all sleeping through and I mean ALL night! So that was a success and sleeping has never been a major issue since then.
Another one: where it didn't work so well was potty training. All was fine but my toddler did not like to use to loo for poos. At all. Trying to put into practice all my skills, we tried: reward charts, imagination, distraction, reading books about it. Didn't work. My wise friend (also a psychologist) said to me just leave him be and it will come in good time. So when he went off to nursery aged 3 and a bit I was dreading it. Within a week he was using the loo. Why? They had mini-loos there, he saw the others using them and we took the pressure off completely. So the bit of psychology i should have been applying was there all along- the developmental bit which says all kids are different, they usually get there in their own good time, plus a bit of peer 'pressure' (hardly!) and less anxiety all round.